She’s contagious and I have a feeling that I don’t ever want to find the antidote. I don’t need to be getting attached, but it’s not like I live in a different state. I mean my home home, the one I grew up in, is only two hours away. People make it living twenty hours away. Yes, I work different places all the time, but it doesn’t mean anything.
In all reality, I’m still searching for my place to put down my own roots. I don’t have to go back home one day. With my job, it’s almost expected that I never do. It’s not like my dad visits as much as he should, so why should I have an actual home if I don’t ever get to see it or enjoy it. “I just really like hanging out with you. It’s been a while since I’ve truly been happy.
So, for that, thank you.” And with that little thanks said, she bends down and shows me her gratitude by placing her lips on mine. She tries to make it short and sweet, and pulls away not knowing if she should fully press on, but I quickly pull her tightly back in with one hand on the back of her head and the other holding her cheek. I open my mouth, encouraging her to do the same.
Her tongue soon finds mine. I haven’t legitimately made out with a girl in what seems like forever. Yes, I kissed the girls that I’ve slept around with, but I have never felt anything, because I’ve never felt anything towards them. I haven’t been friends with them or haven’t known anything about them, so it’s been easy.
I’ve had no trouble keeping everything shut off. But with Dani, I feel. And I like feeling. “Wait, I can’t do this.” She pulls back from me trying to free herself from my hold. “Why not?” I ask as confusion sets in. “Because, I’m trying not to get attached to someone. And I’m already doing that with you.” Grabbing her face in my hands, I force her to look me in the eyes as I ask her, “Do you want to be with me, Dani?” “Holden, it doesn’t matter what I want. I gave that up months ago.” Deep sadness fills her eyes. I’ve finally found this sweet woman who makes my head all crazy, stupid with thoughts of things I believed I’d never have, and she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
She doesn’t have to say it, but I can tell that she feels like everyone else in her life has to come first. The guilt that she won’t let go of is heavy enough, let alone this extra burden that she’s placed upon herself. “What you want matters to me, and it should matter to you.” “You don’t even live here. One day you’ll be picking back up and moving along to your next destination.” Not only is she worried about the life she has here, she’s worried about the life I’d have away from her.
There are ways around obstacles, and if this whole thing with us is going to be a giant sized puzzle, then I’m going to solve it.
If both people want something bad enough, then there is a solution for it.